About Time
I know, I know, I have not blogged since October. I could lie and say I was too busy or that I was out saving the free world. The truth be told, I have no idea why I have not blogged. In fact, I have no idea why I have not done much of anything of value in about 3 months. Well, I think that I have some ideas. Personally, I have had problems with depression most of my life. I had my first nervous break down when I was 8 years old. The second one occurred when I was 14. I spent a year in counseling which helped. I believe that most of my issues stem around the need to be accepted. This need stems from the abandonment I feel from my father who has no desire to have a relationship with me. Personally I have always felt that my faith in God has helped me in establishing some sort of control because I am comforted by the fact that God always loves me.
However, since my son has been born, I have been overcome with the need for my son to love me and accept me. Do to some strange mystery of medicine, my son has no way to communicate his true feelings. Mix this with the mind numbing need that people desire to explain away any form of communication my son has with symptoms of gas or the every enlightening "speaking with the angels." Pretty much I feel like I am as useful to my son as the proverbial "tits on a bull." Of course if I had those then I could feed him without a bottle and think that I was needed. Can a man have postpartum depression? Combine this with the horrific accident of my brother in law over Thanksgiving and I think I had another breakdown (Thank God my brother-in-law is home and is on the road to recovery). I think it was hard to pin point this breakdown since I did not lose it all at once but looking back at the last few months I have been moody, and my temper has been off the hook. I know that I have been a huge jerk to my wife. The truth is I have tried to blog about this half a dozen times and every time I deleted the post before publishing. For the first time in a while I actually feel convicted to blog.
So why this revelation? This last week a couple in my church have been going through hell. They almost lost their newborn grand daughter while their daughter-in-law is currently holding on for her life. Yesterday she woke up from a comma that doctors thought would never happen. The baby is doing fine and should be home next week. While the mother is not out of the woods yet, it appears that God is working for her benefit. All of this has put things in perspective in a weird way. The big picture of life is just that... a big freaking picture. The world actually moves on with or without me. I have to hold on that my son will love me because of the love I have for him and for others and not the things I can or cannot do. I cannot heal this mother nor can I heal my brother-in-law. I cannot even heal myself of my psychological issues. However, I can yield to that fact and depend upon God. Does that mean that all evil ceases? By no means! But, I believe that I do not have to fall into the trap of asking God why bad things happen to good people. Instead the question turns to "Why the hell does anything good happen at all?" The answer, to me, has to be God. Does that make me naive? I do not think so. Does it make me dependent upon faith instead of empirical reasoning? Absolutely. That is my responsibility as a pastor. I am called to see grace in a world of sin. I do not have the luxury nor the time to question God; instead, I simply beg for His interaction. So this last week has been interesting. I have told God off a few times (fortunately He seems to have taken it like a man... er, perhaps more like an all powerful deity) and it seems that God and I have come to an agreement: I beg and then I wait. I plead and then I hope. Sure it sucks at times but when I answer the phone and hear how someone thought dead is still alive, it brings joy that cannot be dampened. Perhaps that is why God acts. Perhaps we are so weak in faith that we need reminders of the power that He has. Therefore we place God in a cosmic game to constantly prove Himself to us because we are too afraid to trust what we believe in our souls.
However, since my son has been born, I have been overcome with the need for my son to love me and accept me. Do to some strange mystery of medicine, my son has no way to communicate his true feelings. Mix this with the mind numbing need that people desire to explain away any form of communication my son has with symptoms of gas or the every enlightening "speaking with the angels." Pretty much I feel like I am as useful to my son as the proverbial "tits on a bull." Of course if I had those then I could feed him without a bottle and think that I was needed. Can a man have postpartum depression? Combine this with the horrific accident of my brother in law over Thanksgiving and I think I had another breakdown (Thank God my brother-in-law is home and is on the road to recovery). I think it was hard to pin point this breakdown since I did not lose it all at once but looking back at the last few months I have been moody, and my temper has been off the hook. I know that I have been a huge jerk to my wife. The truth is I have tried to blog about this half a dozen times and every time I deleted the post before publishing. For the first time in a while I actually feel convicted to blog.
So why this revelation? This last week a couple in my church have been going through hell. They almost lost their newborn grand daughter while their daughter-in-law is currently holding on for her life. Yesterday she woke up from a comma that doctors thought would never happen. The baby is doing fine and should be home next week. While the mother is not out of the woods yet, it appears that God is working for her benefit. All of this has put things in perspective in a weird way. The big picture of life is just that... a big freaking picture. The world actually moves on with or without me. I have to hold on that my son will love me because of the love I have for him and for others and not the things I can or cannot do. I cannot heal this mother nor can I heal my brother-in-law. I cannot even heal myself of my psychological issues. However, I can yield to that fact and depend upon God. Does that mean that all evil ceases? By no means! But, I believe that I do not have to fall into the trap of asking God why bad things happen to good people. Instead the question turns to "Why the hell does anything good happen at all?" The answer, to me, has to be God. Does that make me naive? I do not think so. Does it make me dependent upon faith instead of empirical reasoning? Absolutely. That is my responsibility as a pastor. I am called to see grace in a world of sin. I do not have the luxury nor the time to question God; instead, I simply beg for His interaction. So this last week has been interesting. I have told God off a few times (fortunately He seems to have taken it like a man... er, perhaps more like an all powerful deity) and it seems that God and I have come to an agreement: I beg and then I wait. I plead and then I hope. Sure it sucks at times but when I answer the phone and hear how someone thought dead is still alive, it brings joy that cannot be dampened. Perhaps that is why God acts. Perhaps we are so weak in faith that we need reminders of the power that He has. Therefore we place God in a cosmic game to constantly prove Himself to us because we are too afraid to trust what we believe in our souls.
posted by Pastor Stew | 8:54 PM
2 Comments:
I love you and am here to support you in any way you need. I don't know where I would be without your constant encouragement. You help me see the hope when all I see is hopelessness. Thank you. You are a wonderful father, more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. Deitrich loves you, I see it when he looks at you. We'll get through this time, with God's grace.
people who say that your baby interacts with you due to gas should be shot. Babies communicate their love by trusting you. Sure they have very little choice but babies can scream and hollar and whine. They can show you that they are not trusting. Its a deeper love based on trust thanprobably any of us can everreally know. You are very lucky that there is someone in the world who lovesyou like that.
I used to tell people things will get better but I know thatsometimes that is just not true. At times things just suck. I will wish you good experiences though, ones that you can learn from and experiences that help you know what you didn't before.
It is almost odd to read this post as you always seem so confident. Its nice to learn more things about someone you admire that just helps you to admire them more.
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