My Wife Be Having My Shorty!

Sorry for the delay in posting for a while. Pat and his disciples have been after me all this time and I had to hide in some dark part of California, Fontucky (in other words, I stayed home). Anyways the news from the I.E. this week is the revelation that my wife is pregnant! That's right, Rikki is having my baby. I know that it seems as if Rikki and I are always copying Beth. First Beth and Andres get married then we get married. Now they are pregnant and then Rikki gets pregnant. Sorry Beth but you demand to be copied. Of course this is kind of a shock as we were using the trying but not really trying form of birth control that is usually reserved for trailer trash. But when in Rome! I mean why spend thousands of dollars for fertility drugs when all that is really needed is a trailer, some booze, and the empty promise that one is "on the pill," "I'll put the condom on later," or the always classic "I didn't think I could get pregnant." Now rest assured that Rikki and I did not have to succumb to such measures but we do live in Fontana. Although the mayor has assured us that we are no longer "Fontucky, the backwater town" it is still filled with Rednecks and a thousand and one storage centers. So even though I did not chug down a six pack of Naty Light while bedding my wench in the ol' trailer, there is something in the air that allows for abnormal breading rates. No matter what we will hope that our child will be healthy and normal. Thanks for your prayers!

Another Reason to love the Vatican

Great article about regarding intelligent Design and if it should be taught in schools.
Here

Pat Robertson... The Interview

Note: This interview was delayed a few weeks after Mr. Robertson was trying to kiss ass after making another bonehead comment.

Pastor Stew: Hello there Mr. Robertson. How are you today?

Pat Robertson: Please call me Pat... High Priest of the Most High.

PS: Ok... Pat.

PR: No, it's Pat: High Priest of the Most High.

PS: Anyway, do you wish to comment on what you said about Israel Prime Minister Ariel Sharon?

PR: I don't understand what the big deal is. Israel has had people telling them that they were being punished all the time for disobeying God. I say one in critique of Mr. Sharon and they all start bashing on me. It's not very fair.

PS: Well Pat, I think the problem is that those people you speak about were prophets.

PR: I rest my case.

PS: Are you saying you are a prophet?

PR: Yes and no.

PS: How so?

PR: Well I told you before that my name is Pat: High Priest of the Most High. In fact, it is now my legal name. Here's my driver's license.

PS: That's great. I think I am scared of you now.

PR: That's good for the Bible says that fear is the beginning to the knowledge of God.

PS: Um... I think that might be out of context.

PR: Here we go again about that context thing you always bring up. When God gave the real Bible to King James, one of the wise men, that God intended us Americans to be His people. That's why we got to get the gays and the Latinos out of Dodge so that we can prevent that book of Revelations stuff.

PS: You think homosexuals and Latinos are the cause of evil in this world? I think that is absurd.

PR: Well did you see George Lopez the other night? There he is all "high and mighty" on stage making fun of sweet, little ol' Jessica Simpson. You know she is the daughter of a pastor don't you? Anyways, sweet Jessica Simpson, Good God Almighty! There is a girl who is using her faith to reach people. I completely support her in her decision to dump her husband. I just love her to pieces. That is why I put up her posters in my office and all over the 700 Club and even in my bedroom. I am a huge fan!

PS: I think you are a pervert.

PR: You are a sick man! Just because I support a fellow Christian who happens to have a great rack with legs that go up to Heaven itself and I am the pervert? No, Pastor Stew, You are the pervert! You are just like George Lopez, jealous that the people of God have dibs on Miss Simpson and not you evil, burrito eating Latinos!

PS: ...

PR: Oh speechless are we? I thought so.

PS: ... So you are sorry for saying that Mr. Sharon was given the stroke by God for trying to bring peace to Israel and Palestine?

PR: What kind of name is Ariel anyways? Is he the Little Mermaid now? You know that cartoon was pretty cute, but she was no Jessica Simpson. Have I said how I am her number one fan?

PS: Are you drooling?

PR: Huh? What? Oh I am sorry. I must have had one of those thank ya Jesus moments?

PS: I bet. Well thanks for your time. I hope that everything goes well for you in the future?

PR: Oh it will, singing, as long as I have Jessica, my sweet, sweet Jessica.

PS: Your sick!

The Wild Adventures of Pastor Stew

With the coming of the new year it is always fitting to look back at the previous year and see where you have been and where you would like to go. This year the statistics of San Bernardino included 55 murders. 19 of those murders where in one square mile of my church. So more than a third of all murder for the year happened in the area that I am directly trying to reach out to. These are the serious aspects of inner city ministry. Many would argue that we better high tail it out of town before it gets any worse. Others (like myself) argue that this is where the church needs to be. So far this year we have already have had two murders in 2006 including a 14 year old who was shoot outside their house. I know that Pat Robertson probably believes that since California teaches evolution that God is punishing us here. Who knows? Well I think I know, and I think that God has given us an opportunity to help those in need. Perhaps we can help change the neighborhood. For so long people here have felt that no one wants them and no one values them. I believe that these are correct assumptions on their behalf. However, I think that I can help change this place. Will it be easy? No. Will it require work and effort? Yes. Will it be worth it if perhaps I can make a difference in one persons life? Absolutely. That is my goal for this year: To make a difference in the life of another. The more the merrier.

PS I have scheduled some interviews with some interesting people and they should make an appearance in the upcoming weeks. It looks like I got Pat back for another go as well as Falwell and I am currently working on bringing in the top gun himself, James Dobson. So this year looks like a winner.

Down But Not Out

With the loss of my Fantasy Football league my spirit has been down. I know it sounds silly, but it is my life. I truly spend several hours each week trying to prepare my team. Oh well. Since I have been in a saddened state I have been playing the Cube and XBox again. I caught up my town in Animal Crossing and killed about a thousand people/animals in the new hit game, Gun. Gun is pretty sweet. You play a mysterious man whose "father" is killed by a fake, murderous preacherwho worked for a railroad baron. In actuality the character's real father was a missionary doctor who was killed by the same people who killed your adopted father. Cool or what? I guess there is a small part of me that would encourage my future son to avenage my death if the person who killed me also killed the person raising my future son. I mean killing is wrong, but if the same person kills your real father and the the person who raised you, pretending to be your father then that has to be ok... doesn't it? Leave it to a video game to tackle the truly dificult moral dilemas in life.